self imposed exile

I would be hard pressed to explain to anyone this desire to be alone. It’s nothing personal. Nothing that has to do with anyone but me. Nothing to do with nothing. I just want to be alone. Really alone. I want to sit in my home in front of the movie screen, work in my yard, and walk in circles until my feet hurt.

Somewhere out there was the understanding voice and acceptance which affords me the comforts to act without fearing consequence. I think you are right and I never really thought it was a great depression anyway. Now, I am thinking that I don’t want to be thinking and being alone is necessary for me to meet my own needs.

I am tired of everything and everyone. I am just tired. I need rejuvenation. I need a fresh perspective because honestly, I can’t look into another disappointed face. Everywhere I look there is sadness, disposition and manipulation. If I want to sit across from another human being, I want to do it over beer and talk about things that have nothing to do with me. Or them for that matter. I don’t want to feel as though I have to listen to anymore of the dispossessed, the sad sacks or the manipulative. I don’t want to pay attention to anything. And, I don’t want to be worried about my own words or the words of others. I hope that it is right and that those I love and care for will understand my withdrawal. I am going to do something against my nature. I am going to trust. Give people in my life the same courtesy I want for myself. To stop trying to figure everyone else out and just let them be. And, I won’t dwell on those who will take it personally.

My decision is to be alone, to take it in simply and maybe even shoot for some level of happiness and satisfaction when I am just able to be. When I am just allowed to be. It seems to be this constant theme or thread, if you will, in my life. This internal search is for some semblance of a simple life, through a “live and let live”, “live in the moment” type of existence. The struggle remains in my inability to see it even when has probably been right in front of me all along. I have yet to find the way to grasp and embrace it fully and consistently.

I wish…

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