my birthday

This weekend hayseed threw me a surprise party complete with celebrity guests, friends who traveled great distances and long lost friends. The evening was fun and easy. Not really, I was pretty manic most of the evening. I had maybe three beers but felt drunk from the moment I walked into the house.

It’s cliche’ but as each year passes I do feel older. Especially since turning thirty. This one makes thirty-five and the first one where I actually feel close to forty.

They found a place to make my birthday cake in the shape of a guitar. EI loved all my gifts. Hayseed even called my mom which is only interesting because mom didn’t have any idea who she was at the time.

I don’t seem to know how to keep my mother or others closest to me updated on my relationships. There seems to be this disconnect with me and my ability to share the details of my close relationships. I can think of plenty of excuses but no good reasons.

From my first serious boyfriend in high school until this very moment, I have not been able to explain these relationships without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Llike my relationships are somehow fake – not real. Then there is the idea that inevitably things end so why go through all the explaination when my mom probably will never even meet the person and I’ll have to make some explaination for a thing that there is never a good explaination. The last two times I did share with my mom, the relationships ended so quickly that I was embarrassed to tell her they were over.

So, my mom couldn’t make the party but she sent a very personalized gift. The gift was really several items but included a photo album with pictures up until I moved to live gramps. She included a letter telling the story of the night I was born and some other childhood stories. She then asked me to fill in the photo album with pictures from those years after I moved up to the present and to include a letter of my own describing my life story. It will be an interesting project and process of reflection. We will see if I am better at explaining in print than I seem to be in our once every three month five minute phone conversations.

The emabarrassing moment at the party was showing S.G. around the house. Tragic comedy. She must have felt strange by the amount stuff related to her through my house. The picture on my desktop (which I’ve never even had a desktop picture until last week when I put a picture of her from the breakdown pictures), another picture I took at a show is on my wall of photos (at least there were others like Terri Hendrix, Michael O. and Shelley King up there too) and then the huge drawing I did of her hands a few years ago is up in the office. Oh and I almost forgot, I was wearing the t-shit promoting her new cd. (It was a surprise party. If I’d known I am sure I would have dressed differently). A n d , when I walked into the house, her new cd was playing in the cd player. Talk about a stalker. It was ridiculously embarrassing.

I would think that everyone in the room thought that s.g. being there made me happiest and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t pretty cool that my favorite musician came as my friend but it is also true that there were a great many things that made me happiest. Each person there filled up the place in my heart that belonged only to them. And my heart was overflowing from every single place. So, it would be unfair for me to say what one thing was the most special. There were so many – All that Shawn did to help. The effort that Debra and Tammi made to help out too. That Mandy came all the way from IL to help me celebrate. That Monica and Deona showed up. Everything that hayseed did to plan a special night. A night to remind me that there are in fact very special people who love and care for me. Sometimes I can forget these simple things. This was a special thing that made me feel extra loved. It will be a memory that I can draw from in the future when I forget again. And I will.

Now to figure out what to say to my mom…

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