I was sitting there at another festival at Sue’s. Easy and relaxed in my chair, content to focus on M. one night and T. the next. Content to listen to their stretching and straining for the next big thing. Content to encourage them to move on to the next big thing. I was content and settled into my chair. Like the flower and not the butterfly. I’ve nothing to contribute to the stretching, straining or the next big thing. Instead, I’ve settled in, hunkered down hoping that someone will just pass by and decide to tend to me for a change.
It was a music festival and I was reminded of the last one. I couldn’t help myself from the thought. The absurdity of life. I was reminded how someone assumed we were a couple and I didn’t say anything to the contrary. Ever since then I have been fighting against anyone making that type of assumption again. How my own pride made me embarrassed. One day, a couple in love, the next day not. My pride could not take the hit. It was then I validated by the thought that nothing had anything to do with anyone else but me. And, in it, I discovered something that made me uneasy and scared. I can be confident but it’s built on things that crumble easily. My pride, my charm, my independence, my anything are all soft foundations on which I stand.
I was thinking it was time to settle in and work on rebuilding something more solid and more sturdy. To ask for help along the way. To try to stop sectioning out pieces of myself in the little bits I can carefully protect. I see it as rebuilding, a renovation let’s say. Today, that’s were I am. I am thankful that I don’t feel hurried by anyone else anymore.