It took me ten minutes to decide if I would even talk to her. Then, she did that familiar thing. There’s always a familiar thing to me in everyone. Something I take for myself. The thing of you that is mine and mine alone. So, you did this thing, the downward tilt of your head, the quick upward nod and lowering of your lids. Not a wink but something like it as if to say, hey, and nothing more was necessary.
That ended my internal debate and I decided that we would indeed be friends. Just as fast as it took to break apart it was at once together again. That was the first and now today I’ve done it again and again. Friends and forgiveness and friendship. As easy as that and in the simple change of mind, I no longer think in a measure of trust. I no longer think in a measure of expectation. I no longer measure in any of these ways at all.
I had thought it was about analysis and consciousness and being conscious of emotions. But the truth is that I know I really learned this through a different kind of love. An ever present gift to myself of something unconditional…I’ll give you the credit if you’d like. I just needed time to relax my eyes. See the truth in me, not in everyone else. You’d have to know the truth of it to know the lie. Reality is less complicated. Change of mind is what you said…I like that. My change of mind says it’s time to let it go. No one’s searching for it anymore anyway.
Instead…instead of losing the fight I’m stepping away from the wall. All these years of shadow boxing with shadows is simply wasted. It’s better to smile, make my own shadow pictures, point them out and laugh honestly at the puppy runnning and rabbit hopping across the cool brick. It is to laugh honestly and not because laughing is expected. Today is a two steps forward and only one back kind of day.