friendships

I probably deserved what happened.

I should stop pretending to be confused and hurt every time my toes get stepped on. I should be more of who I am and less of the thing I think I am supposed to be. I’m a fool trapped in an analytical mind. An angry ball of energy that snaps thoughts sharply and quickly. I’ve tried to be quiet, to quiet the hypertrophy of my heart to be this new thing. A quiet loner with friends who should, I guess, be just a loner. As far as understanding people, I am a great big naive. A child dressed in my mothers pearls and make-up masquerading as an adult. But the shoes are just to big to fill and so I stumble and get tripped up in the long hemline.

So, this is what I would say to you. She was my friend before you knew her and I never thought that I shouldn’t be friends with her now just because you’ve decided not to date anymore. And, it’s not as though you treated me with any confidence. I heard of your breakup through another person. I was afforded no consideration of friendships. So, unload your grief, unload you guilt of what you’ve left behind and place it on my shoulders. You won’t even have to lift it since I’m already buried six feet under. Just lay it down. I’ll hold it the next time I try to stand. Whenever that is. But don’t worry, I’ll not be asking for your hand. I’ll not be asking at all. My forgiveness is occupied. I’ve non left for the likes of any of you.

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