what I do when I can't sleep…
I want to wake you but I dare not. I want to keep you here. I let you sleep mostly so I can watch you and brush my finger tips across your forehead to feel its softness. You are dreamy when you are dreamy. I edge a little closer so I can feel your breathing. There is just enough light from the moon coming in to let me see you clearly. Though, for the moment, I am looking at the stars.
“What are you doing?” Your voice surprises me.
“Yes, I see that. But why are you awake?” You say this as you turn over. Your soft back is now exposed. I bring the blanket to cover you and then wrap my arm over you.
“I like lying with you this way.”
“I know.” You snuggle deeper into my body. “Can’t you sleep?”
“Not tonight. Not while you are here.” You grab my hand and kiss it softly. I don’t speak again thinking you are falling back asleep.
“You know I can stay.” Again your voice surprises me.
“If you can, you should.” I try to be noncommittal. I promised myself I would not place any expectations on anyone ever again. The more I fall in love with you the harder that philosophy is to maintain. I want to tell you I felt some sadness after returning you home the other night. I had this overwhelming desire to scoop you up into my arms and hold you hostage a bit longer. Maybe tell you about all the ways I miss you and love you. Instead I say, “it was hard leaving you the other night.”
“You know, I was thinking the other night when you dropped me off that this wasn’t the way things were supposed to turn out.”
“There are many things I want to say but…”
I interrupt you, “you shouldn’t feel any obligation to say anything.”
“It’s not that I feel obligated to respond. It’s just that I wanted to say a few things, but then the words weren’t there. It so often happens that way for me.” I draw you closer to me. I want to show you that I understand what you are trying to say.
”I had so much more to say to you that night.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I didn’t”
“It didn’t feel appropriate.”
I slide away from you and on my back. I’m not sure where this is going. “At least I know this is mutual.”
You turn over to face me. Your arms reach to hold me. You place your head on my shoulder and kiss the crease above my collar bone because you know me. “It is. Right now, we are where we belong.”
“I want that to be true…more than you’ll ever know.”