Each morning I wake to a new set of tears and pain in my chest. It’s not a heart attack. At least I hope not anyway. Life has this perverse and unflinchingly cruel way of making you travel in circles. One minute you are spinning on the happy side with centrifugal force pulling you out into happy space and then the next the centripetal force sucking you into the black hole. Even through this everyday emotion and though it’s grey outside, I am starting to crawl back up to the surface – nothing like traveling around with a bunch of camp directors to lighten your mood and remind you of some of the good in the world.
I may have a trip to Montana in my near future. (cue announcer) This week on face the perpetrator, for our grand prize winner an all expense paid trip to Helena, Montana to testify in a court room and have her; blah, blah My humor is wasted and wasteful. I’ve said I don’t want to go but I may be compelled. I don’t want to make this decision. I don’t have it in me to face him. I can’t make this decision rationally.
I am finally talking about it with friends, though it may be not enough. How do you explain something to people you have known forever. Explain this thing that you’ve never said before. It’s like some deep secret and and there are simply not enough words to describe. It is so deep that any explanation seems trite as I offer no real feeling about it. If I did, I’d lose it completely and then all would be lost.
What am I feeling? I cry each day but there’s no understanding. Is remembering a feeling? I’m sad, I’m angry, I hate and I cry. More circles in a revolution of feelings. Can I write off livejournal as therapy expense? It’s always been easier to tell a page my grief than to people. I’ll feel better someday soon.