I ventured out again last night and am now back into the routine of late nights topped off by early mornings. I stayed home tonight mostly for a lack of anything interesting to do but somewhat to get in bed early only to find myself working until now. I can’t sleep. The longer I am single the worse it gets.
And, I have all but forgotten what it feels like to come home to someone who loves me, the ache of want, the desire that burned just under the surface of my skin. But really, I can remember. I remember all the first kisses and the first time I fell in love and all the other times after that. If I sit long enough I can remember the warmth of emotion, the heady rush of desires, and the special joy that is when we are loved.
When I was young, I dreamed of being important. Once I even thought I’d be president someday. I was going to change the world. Make it a better place. And I knew I’d be remembered for it. I don’t actually remember when I stopped having that dream. Can anyone remember the moment they stopped believing in fairy tales? I know there are still people who still believe. I call them dreamers like other people do. The people who are in the future and are conjuring up happy, flourishing ‘stars dancing on water’ futures. I can not see it. I hate that question when I am interviewed, “Where do you see yourself in five years, ten years?” I want to scream ‘nowhere’. I can’t even see myself in next week. Girlfriends are bad about that question too. “Do you see us together for a long time, Forever?” I have answered yes because I want it to be true and it’s how I feel in the moment but truth is I can’t see it. But then again, if I am happy in the moment then I don’t need much else.
Can I find a really good relationship if I have no eye on the future? I am not sure now. I spend time trying to remember the good and bad things about my other relationships. Trying to find the pattern of my fallibility so I’ll be better then next time. But alas I forget most of it. “Out of Sight out of mind.” I am a present thinker. My favorite quote has always been “what is past is history, what is the future is a mystery but what is now is a gift and that is why we call it the present.” It is my gift this ability to be in the present.