empty old house

I find myself wandering around the house. I can not seemed to settle on any one activity to occupy my attention. Ten minutes at the computer, ten minutes in the chair flipping channels, ten minutes staring at the contents of the refrigerator and none of these is really very appealing.

The silence is crazy though. The more quiet it is, the more my mind wanders to what she might be doing right now. Is she with her? Did she take those cowboy boots because she is going dancing with her?

And it’s official, I look like shit. I can not sleep. I can not eat. And I keep asking myself why. I was supposed to feel relief when she went. I do but with the development of her other suitor, I am driving myself into a weird and unknown area. It takes most of my effort not to ransack all of her things looking for more clues to the real nature of her “affair”. I am managing not too. For what good would it do me.

I have to wonder is it that I seek justification for ending it? Am I crazed by the betrayal of intimacy? Is it that everything out of her mouth is a lie? And even still how long has this been true? She might tell you I betrayed her by cutting her off emotionally. She might tell you many things I do not. It is her after all who feels I failed her. I did not want to participate in her life, I made her feel she was always wrong, I gave up on her when I ended our relationship.

That is true. I give up…if you keep hitting me in the gut… I give up.

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