hard lessons

Last night I left the house after reading something I shouldn’t have. I went to MB’s to talk about it. After all, I had shared it with her and Ki already. I feel at a loss to describe the amount of sadness and rage by which I was consumed.

Something brilliant and natural happened on the way to her house. Sun shining bright, me on my bike there came a sudden but drenching downpour. Funny, but it was refreshing and calming. I love the rain. I spent the rest of the ride to MB’s thinking more clearly than when I left.

Came through the rain and was washed clean.

I should have never read the card. But I did and I have to deal with the feelings. The thing I am most confused about is its timing. I was just speaking with Ads earlier and talking about ending the relationship. And, in one short trip to the mailbox my life perspective suddenly became as clear as the red I was seeing.

I decided not to discuss the card. I remembered the voices of reason that helped me see other possibilities and I knew I would not be satisfied with any answer she gave. She would say yes and I would have to deal with my anger and deal with it with her too. Or, she would say no and I wouldn’t believe her anyway. She didn’t have a chance. Neither did I.

I was going to end it without dealing with any other issues than the ones I had earlier in the day. That is what I did. She was so angry and hurt last night. I knew what she said only came from that hurt and anger but it was hard all the same to listen to the things she said to me. She left with most of her clothing saying she’d be back this morning.

She came back and we talked more. I was asked to consider counseling as a couple for which I refused. She then accused me of opening her mail for which I denied. I said what did it matter anyway if it’s only a thank you card(as she said it was). She said it had things in it I might have misinterpreted. I said really, like what? She said what the card said but it wasn’t really what the card said. All the while in my head I am screaming you fucking liar and then just as quickly saying to myself … so are you. At that moment more than ever I felt huge distrust. But I dropped it. And that seemed the end of it.

That is until she showered. I went looking in her bag for a poem she wrote to me when she gone last week. I wanted the reminder that I was loved. What I found only served to enrage me more. Truthfully, it was mostly at me for reading yet again what was not mine to read. Cursing myself, reminding myself that ‘you’re getting what you deserve’. However, once you are spiraling downhill it is hard as hell to stop. More cards, more letters, folded notes. I only read one because when I read the lines “I can’t wait to kiss your lips”, I really did throw up. How did they amass such a collection of devoted letters in only two weeks?

I went in the bathroom said I wanted to see the card, she said why, it didn’t matter now. I said I want to see the card more forcefully. She said again with disdain all over her face. “Why do you want to see it. Why?” I turned and left. As she was stepping out of the bathroom, I threw the bag at her feet. I quoted what I had read. She yelled at me for going through her things… which I deserved. I just kept asking her over and over were you cheating on me. Were you cheating on me?

She eventually calmed said Sandy wanted more but she had done nothing wrong. “Why didn’t you tell me”. I asked. She explained that she was working on us and didn’t want a new wedge keeping us apart. I guess I believe her in a way. I don’t think she could have had a chance to officially cheat but she allowed it to get this far…and she never told me. If you are cheating only in your head is it still cheating? I think yes…

So, she’s gone and I am here to deal with my own burdens. I did apologize over and over for going through her things. I know I was wrong. How could I have gone so far? How did I get to a point to have so little trust? Was I right because it turned out to be true? I feel responsible for the violation. I made a big mistake. But it is one I have learned from. I will never again read or look for that which is not mine to read of look for ever again. A hard lesson.

Tonight I am sad…

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