you win

I am tired but unable to go to sleep. Insomnia returns.

The last few weeks have been better for I have been tired and going to sleep earlier. I’ve not liked feeling tired in the evenings but I’ve felt better knowing I would go right to sleep.

Though, I can’t seem to shut off my mind tonight. I am thinking about driving up tomorrow to go to the funeral. You’d be surprised who I am thinking about. Who I wish I’d asked instead of going it alone. You’d be surprised the things I think about and what I can not share for the fear of causing more hurt. But you are one I think of when I want to share. I find myself thinking of the ways to say, you win. I’ll open up to you; give you the chance you desire. It’s hard for me to see it any other way but selfishly. Big surprise right?

It’s the drive that really gives me a chance to think. The tick of the wheels on the dull grey pavement is like Zen. My chi comes from the road hum and the music in the background. I know what is in my mind tonight. What will make its way into tomorrow’s drive and through a sermon or two I suspect. Love and death are also very present in my thoughts and how they feel so tied together, so intertwined and terribly knotted.

Bailey is having some dream. It sounds terrible. I never know if I should wake him. He could be running free and having the time of his life for all I know. At least he is sleeping.