It was the cable car that was the best for me. I liked standing on the edge, hand on the bar, hanging out into the cool San Francisco air. Though the weather was hit and miss all week, I managed to visit Fisherman’s Warf and Chinatown. At the Warf, some of us caught a ferry over to Alcatraz. It had a great audio tour. I didn’t let myself get locked in the isolation cell with twenty other people. Surrounded by total darkness in a three foot by three foot room full of strangers just didn’t seem like a thing I wanted to do. I am left to wonder if I could have handled it by myself.
Later in the week, I went to the city hall by myself. I was going to take pictures of some of the couples getting married. But, when I got there, it felt awkward like I was going to take something away from the moment…two people’s personal moment. I was conflicted. It was happy and sad watching these people come down the steps married. Personally, I was thinking about whether or not it was going to last and then sitting in a hotel in San Fran, I saw Bush on tv the next morning saying he was committed to passing the constitutional amendment. His words made me terribly sad and angry. In the end, I tried to take some pride in knowing they will at least have a moment where it was legal.
It would be a great place to live. I could hold your hand and not worry about what it would mean tomorrow. I could take your face in my hands and kiss your mouth and not remember the pain of the loss of you. I’d take the moment over the future or the past but I am stuck in the consciousness of others. Second guessing thoughts and emotions I can never understand or truly know. Often, worried how my choices affect others instead of me. If it were up to me, I’d be in my comfortable place…the moment. Somehow it’s not and I don’t know who to blame for that…me or someone else.