ghosts

I was surrounded by the ghosts of relationships past tonight. I walked smack into D. Literally. What a cruel and uninvited trip down memory lane. Then day proceeded to play the “L game” (which I am convinced will find its way to a web site near you soon), and mapped out how closely connected we are to each other. I was embarrassed but amazed at the multiple connections we shared. I can’t believe that we’ve never had this conversation before and the amount of embarrassment it caused me to do so in front of others was excruciating. It is a small world indeed. No matter how I try and avoid it it’s seems painfully inevitable. The drama of it all is disgusting.

We went to dinner and I know that we will be reaching that point soon when what is going on will have to be defined, discussed, deconstructed and all the other d’s. At dinner, I dropped your name so casually like it was something casual. And so the game begins. I treated you like a blip on the screen and then quickly moved to something else. And this is how it will have to be played I guess.

In my therapy yesterday, Dr. No said the same thing to me that you said only a few short months ago. Who knew your words would be so prophetic. Who knew the same issue would reappear. Who knew I’d need those same words to help me with you. So, I am repeating to myself that it doesn’t matter what someone else feels. What I feel is real and I shouldn’t distrust my own feelings. This is my mantra. This will be my mantra.

All the way home all I could think was resting my head next to yours on the pillow and the soft hollow place on your chest where I used to rub my finger tips and press with my palm. I can still feel the roundness of your back against my chest and the weight of your head on my arm. Though there are many, tonight these are the things I miss about you.

You can talk about love as if it were passing fancy but it doesn’t erase love from your heart as easy. I have filled it up with you and I am just not ready to pull the pin and let the air rush out.

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