Sometimes I imagine that you are talking to me and that the words are mine. I started doing it along time ago and it’s hard to stop something like that once it has begun. And, sometimes I try and talk to you but then I feel as though I am aiming for a target that is too far away and too close at the same time…though just maybe I am not ready to put you away yet.

A letter from pepper came yesterday. I write to her because I like too write to her. So, her replies are not a surprise. In them, I get to read about her life. She never writes “we” or mentions sandy. It’s curious to me but I have to assume she does it for my benefit. Then, there are the few paragraphs about the demise of our relationship that seem a requirement in each of her letters. What perplexes me is our need to continue to discuss it. I guess there must be something not yet resolved. I’d like to and be done with it.

She said that it came to a point that I must have thought, as she did, that her feelings betrayed her but that she has since realized it was circumstances that betrayed her and not her feelings. Now, I don’t know what the fuck this means? I read it as an admission to the cheating and an excuse to rationalize her actions but I might be way wrong. I had to write back and ask her if she thought we would be rehashing our dead relationship for the next fifty years. Sadly, this might be my best chance of a consistent, long term relationship :).

Tomorrow I go to Gruene and all will be refreshed in the waters of a great river.

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