I don’t really feel like I know anything anymore. For so much of my life I’ve thought that I’ve known people, known what they’ve wanted, known what they’ve felt. I have been foolish and arrogant. I’m not comfortable feeling like I am clueless. In fact, it has shaken my whole belief system. It’s been more than foolish even, it’s been wasteful. I’ve wasted years contemplating my own emotions and instincts about the emotions and instincts of those around me.
Those I love the most have the greatest distance from me. Why has it taken me so long to realize that I have surround myself with people who can never be close to me and that I avoid the people who I can never be close to because for whatever reason, I have thought to keep them at a distance. All the time I have been wrong about people. I have been wrong about it all…judging, cataloging and separating each human being in these neat little boxes so that I could feel safe. The truth be told I am a coward for it. So goddamn scared of being wrong when I have always been wrong. I’ve been trying desperately to put my faith into some, not trusting others all the while never realizing my own enormous lack of faith and trust.
There’s nothing I’d like more right now than to wipe the slate clean…start over with a new storyboard. Alas that is not possible and thus I must lie in the bed of my making and hope not to make any sudden or frightening moves. I’ve never felt more like a loser than I do at this moment in my life.