I was watching Tea with Mussolini yesterday. I’d never seen it before. There was this scene where Judi Dench’s character throws herself in front of the wall of the tower to save the Tuscan beauty inside and in front of the menacing looking German soldier pointing his Lugar. I was sure she’d be shot….mostly because I am so sure of sad endings. It’s gotten so I am expert in predicting them anymore and there’s the other simple fact that that’s all there seems to be anymore. Suddenly the rest of the women came barreling out to her rescue, Maggie Smith barking orders and Lillie Tomlin kicking not one but several of the Germans asses. I cried and it wasn’t at all sad. I think I was relieved that they didn’t shoot her and leave the poor dog orphaned.

Later on last night after I got back late, I watched the Dawson’s Creek episode I taped. (It’s a guilty pleasure.) Joey’s boyfriend left her this eloquent letter about how he wanted to be this person who lived life without indecision and who would never have any regrets. He told her how he couldn’t be with her because she wasn’t that person…yet at least.

So these two very unrelated stories actually brought out one distinct feeling for me. What it did make me think about was how I would never be that brave or that vain for that matter. I talk this big game about doing as I feel and living without regret but the truth is, as highlighted by Judi Dench and “Eddie”, that I am the definitive “Joey Potter”. I might look brash and be direct with my thoughts and emotions but the truth is I am closed off and scared to try anything that doesn’t fit nicely into what is already comfortable and familiar to me. Not that I don’t spend alot of time in introspection, but never before was this divergence in my character so clear to me as it was last night.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with the information but I’m wondering if at thirty-three if I can learn any new tricks…

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