Love as an after thought

When I saw you yesterday, I was reminded.

I remember that one single moment when I was convinced. I was sitting with you in the empty airport a week after the awful tragedy of 9-11. We were there early. It was deserted. We had hours to spend and we talked about everything and nothing. I was looking forward to our time anyway. My crush already formed months earlier. When they called my plane to board I was not eager to leave you. I wanted to say so much more right then and there. I wanted to say, ‘I like you’. I wanted to say, ‘jump on this plane with me’. I wanted to say, ‘you know, I am going to wait for the next flight so I can spend just a few more minutes with you’. Anything to let you know how much I felt for you. Instead, I walked away but I was compelled to turn. The turn changed both our lives. It is a moment I remember but still do not understand. The instinct was so strong, so unlike me. Whats more, I followed the instinct, turned and managed to ask you if could I write to you personally. Not for work, I nervously added after the fact. To this day, I don’t know what emotion passed across your face. What I do remember is the little smile that played in the corner of your mouth and the way you looked down as you answered, ‘yes, I’d like that if you did.’

In the end, I got to write to you…share with you in words what I am never able to say. Then we shared love on crisped lined sheets, in electronic 1’s and 0’s, in multicoloerd inks and bright cards. You fell in love with me without me ever having to touch your skin. Oh, but when I got to touch your skin, you became mine. The thing that escapes me is when I lost you. I don’t have a clear memory of that moment. Was it also in some fateful turn only that time I turned away?

What will I do now? I have sufferred the range of emotions, from pain the anger, to forgiveness and a return to love, faithfully and mostly willingly. I told you but I only made you cry. Follow you heart is the only other thing I want to say to you. I’m not afraid. I guess that’s all I can do for now.

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