Today was one of strange enchantments…snow, family, christmas presents under a tree, all those things familiar like a picture postcard. But equally unique because it is in all my favorite colors. David’s my blue. As stepdads go, he’s my favorite shade. Mom’s my vibrant and demanding red, full of blush and passion yet not quite able to blend with the other colors. Drew and Kate are a wonderful natural shade of bluish green. One day they too will be like their dad. The cousins are muted and undefined pastels. When I know them better, I’ll better understand their appeal. And Aunt Bunny a special rainbow of colors which I appreciate because of my personal connection to its symbolism but am often unable to understand it true meaning.
All in all it was a good day. I got some wonderful gifts…
Lego’s…of course. I am amasing quite a collection
a glass tipped writing tool and ink well for journaling…mom’s special gift.
jewelry…made and designed by my aunt bunny
a hemp necklace…made by my cousin haley
my stocking held mulitiple ornaments…my mom was listening close I tell you.
and my stocking had such useful items as camping toilet paper, a new razor, etc…mom is nothing if not practical.
autographed sports memorbilia…david’s selection. Go Indians!
and the big ticket item…
A new Palm Tungsten…way to go mom!
Mom and I put the lego’s together this evening while listening to the new surround sound system david got her. I also showed her the brilliance of the new palm and will give her my palm 505 now that I have this new one.
Aunt Bunny is very eclectic. She has a great eye for bargins and my style which is far from eclectic. So, I also take with me a box of goodwill clothes.
Tomorrow it all returns to normal. Therefore, tomorrow I build a snowman.
Dashing through the snow…Yes, it is blanketing the ground. I just went outside in these first few minutes of christmas and was the first to traverse the white shroud that is already two inches with more expected. I tell you, it is a real christmas treat for me to see this.
My favorite christmas tradition with my mother has finally been broken. First time I have spent with my mother and not received the infamous pajamas on christmas eve. I guess it’s time old traditions are lost…I just wish it weren’t the good ones too. Not that I miss the pj’s but it was something familiar.
I was really just an example of my mother’s vanity – to make sure the kids had something decent on for Christmas pictures. Ha.
I am so happy for the snow…
So I’ve come to Cleveland for rain. The snow is holding up in the west just to tease me. You want me to beg. Is that it? Well, forget about it. I’ve better things to do. Ask me tomorrow.
As for mom and me,it’s all raw and fresh and open which is new. Last night she crawled into the sofa bed I where I sleep only I was reading then. She snuggled up close, affectionatly and I let myself hold her. She stayed only minutes but I appreciate her effort – her attempt to have some closeness with her daughter. Things are different and I feel it. I know it. I have no anger to hold onto now. There is nothing left burning that hole in me. The familiar ache just behind my heart taking up so much space in my chest is there but it doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. Let’s just hope it wasn’t the thing that made me alive.
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There are all the memories you could want on the wall. Pictures of the strangers that share blood…pictures of us. The family tree ain’t what she used to be. You say that it’s your fault and for this I agree. You are sitting there crying about what? I do not know. You say you hate it when she does “remember when” yet your home has all the signs of way back then. What scars are you hiding?
Then, you tell me how you’re sad for me – that you think your daughter’s not happy. You say how you love your son too and then ask, why can’t you? I can say with certainty that I am happy and that you don’t know me. You only know what you take the time to see. And that ain’t much.
You share with me about you mother and your sister who make you remember when. You offer the good and the bad. Yes, I agree, now you are enlightened and free. I am surprised when you ask me what things in my past are bad memories. So I tell you and we cry for a moment. You are finally listening. You add how you feel guilty and then call me uptight. I smile and say you’re right. But in my mind, in this rare moment, I am able to let go. I’ve finally said what I needed to say and I am going to be alright.
Now I am free.
The boy is gone tomorrow. Leavin’ on a jet plane for CA. Somewhere outside of LA LA Land. Out of sight, out of mind. I took a nice parting gift from him…one he didn’t mind giving. I’ll just say that I liked him more than I am comfortable admitting and not enough to say more than that. I have a new memory.
I am mentally preparing for the family visit next week. There are too many days. I have been spending my life only seeing them on special occasions. I am always a guest and I never feel like family…always out of place. Since I feel that I am still seen as the angry child, I am now especially quiet, unsure of what to say, taking criticism or taking what is said as criticism regardless of it’s intent and consistently disappointed by the role I take on family visits. No matter what, I can not seem to keep from digressing to that role. And therefore, I believe my mother never sees the real me. Who’s fault is that? I suspect mine but I love to blame her. It makes it easier somehow. There will always be those things I could never tell her so she’ll never know me really.
I will use the time to finish the book. It’s been sitting unfinished for too long. I should use the situation to develop the family dynamic. Introduce it to help explain the characters more fully. I think with that and a more solid ending I will have it complete. It’s time for it to be done with and out of my head.