While it’s fresh in my mind, I had one of my tornado dreams last night. It’s never the same tornado so I guess it qualifies more as a recurring theme than dream.
This time, I am at the largest Walmart ever. It sits in the middle of absolutely nowhere but there are so many people that we have to park in a field outside the already mile size parking lot (with 8ft chainlink fence around it). I mean literally nowhere as there is nothing but gently rolling hills, prairie and farming fields as far as the eye can see.
My friend M. from Austin makes an appearance as well as the new cat, Oliver. There is another person I never see but I know is hayseed. We go in to shop and I am my usual ‘uninterested in shopping’ self. Eventually, I say to M. that I am taking Oliver back to the car. I stop at a metal table and sit with strangers to finish a Dr Pepper. When I decide to get up a man offers to get me another to which I decline. I try to get Oliver back to carry him but he runs off each time in the field which is full of many other dogs and cats. I decide that I am never getting him. I am wonder if a cat has the skill to find his way to the car, then get pissed and decide I am going to have to hunt him down later.
I am heading for the car when I get the feeling the air has changed. I look up and see the makings of a funnel cloud behind me and the clouds above are moving in this pattern that spreads out over my head across the sky so fast that I start to panic. I walk faster. Then I run as fast as I can run. I feel it getting closer and I run faster until I see a large concrete and tin garage in front of me. It’s new but shaped in the old style dome.
Eventually, I feel like I am running in slow motion which gets worse the closer I am to the building. I see the look on a woman’s face as I approach. She is looking behind me and looks terrified. She starts to close the big garage doors and I yell wait but she was waiting already leaving one open just enough for me to scoot through before closing it behind me. I start opening small room doors until I find one with the concrete walls. I slip into it, breathless, but feeling safe.
And, like all the others, I am safe. In all the dreams, I escape harm and watch the funnel pass by and fizzle out later. I have been having these dreams for years. I am deathly afraid of tornados anyway. I wish I knew what they meant.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I haven’t done that in awhile. My own words. I wish I didn’t have to use them. I am begging to be allowed to not say anything at all. Can’t you see me begging and pleading?
Let’s talk about other things.
Earlier this morning, I dreamed I went back to work for Tim. He and I were interviewing people for jobs. I dreamed I was trying to talk my current job into letting me do it part time still because it’s really part time work. I dreamed of all these people welcoming me back in a parade of faces. Some belonged there, some did not. What is funny is that the office is one that has been in my dreams before. When I dream about CF the office always looks the same. It ended when I was awakened by the phone ringing at 7:00 am.
Davie’s tennis camper calling to see if today’s lessons are still on. Not very likely.
The rain fell from before the sun came up yesterday until after it went down. It rained all night and it is raining still. The house is dark and freezing. Outside it feels like a sauna. Water is choking every corner, every low spot in the uneven ground and everything else left abandoned outside. The rain has been falling every night for at least a week and so much fell in the days and weeks before now. We are soaked and the soaking is to the bone. It’s good but I suspect once it’s gone, it won’t be long before there will be a return to complaining about drought like conditions. Afterall, what else does anyone have to talk about except the worst things? We are a deficit focused world. And I am a deficit focused girl…my apologies to Madonna.
I have to try and do some work.
In reality, I want to put you away. I want to store you conveniently in a box under my bed where I only need take you out on occasion. Instead, you are a constant presence. You are in most everything I imagine from fleeting thoughts to dreams and everywhere in between. I know you are only there because I am alone. That fact alone pisses my off completely. I need to gat a life.
There’s a spot on the Pednerales River where the water falls into a pool surrounded by caverns carved into shallow caves. I want to cross the river there, climb into one of those caves and live. I could walk the sandy beaches, make mullosk shell necklaces and pet rocks for the tourist at the state park. I could play them the three songs I know on the guitar and they would think me quaint and not annoying. Maybe then I’d even have time to learn more songs because what else would I have to do really. I know, I would also make cave drawings way in the back that would be found later by others who would add to them until it became a great mural in the cave. I would spend my nights with only the sound of flowing water.
Maybe I just long for a simpler life.