I am not so happy with my christmas gift and would like to return it please.

There’s no sleep to be had. It is lost and tangled in the sheets…someone else in another time and another place is sleeping. Is it relief? Is it the first good nights sleep…I wonder. But should I wonder here? I am now debating whether or not to remain here on lj. Tonight I will but it because I’ve no where else to go. Would not be prudent to call anyone to talk to me, to sooth my aches and pains – not after midnight, at 1:00am, at 3:00am, at 4:30 am. I must wait till daylight. Won’t it all look different then anyway? I may sit and watch the sun to see for myself.

I want to go back to the time when I was innocent and when life hadn’t taught me its life lessons. I choose not to know what I know. I beg to go to sleep and not remember. I’ll take that drug that leaves me with no conscious just so I lose the memories too.

I was wrong. I was fooled by it again. And though I don’t regret loving with everything in my being, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to again. But just maybe I’ll toss it out on my sleeve again and watch it thump. I’ll watch as a spectator now. I’ll watch it thump and bleed and pulse and writhe and I’ll laugh at it carelessly because I hate it with proper detachment. The again, who knows, maybe I cry for awhile and be back to my old self when I am done…nobody ever knows while they’re in it do they? It’s only after we’ve gone out the other end do we know what we have become.

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