From now until the end of time, I will never understand the complex situation that inevitably occurs the first time you are faced with your ex’s new girlfriend.
The first time I hit the bar in what is months and I am treated to pepper and *%$&# dancing and happy. And I must say I was kinder than I felt like being. I can’t even bear to look at pepper. I can’t bring myself to look at that woman and not want to ram her cheating face into the ground. There in lies the extreme amount of illogical thought surrounding this situation. I mean I should be madder at pepper. The one who betrayed me on this deep personal level. But somehow it is easier to hate the other woman – who was willing just to have an affair behind my back. It might have… had I not caught on so early. Does the burden of cruelty lie in the person who hurts another they don’t even know or the one who hurts the one they love most?
At the very least, it was a surprise. Maybe there should be some rule of edicate that you’re not allowed to enter a bar (especially if it’s the only one in town) in your state of happiness until both of you have partners. Add a rider that says especially if a relationship ended because of another who is now your live in girlfriend. My biggest question is one I know I needn’t ask but how can you say you loved me and then in just a few short months have moved in with someone else and be in love with her. I know you can’t mandate a time frame on love but for fucks sake? I know, I know. I am being angry and illogical. And it sucks that I am so aware of this. I want a moment where I am not conflicted, where I can wallow in my anger and hurt without being pulled back to a reality. I know I am jealous and even hate that you are allowed to be happy. It’s hard not to wonder if I somehow deserve all this. But why I must ask? And why must I think this way?
I know it is the loneliest I have felt to date. Hard to hide the pain that wells up when so many other things are going wrong. I’ve lost all ability to feel strong, to fight off the tears and hurt that fills my heart and my mind daily. It’s only when I am feeling a little better that I can even write. I want it to be over with now and I wnat to hold someone close so I don’t feel so alone.