I am disconnected today…maybe just disarranged. I woke a few days ago and had to lay still for a brief moment to recover from forgetting where I was sleeping. What’s more, my sleep has been fitful and uneasy. I think it is the new surrounding. Though, I often suffer from insomnia so there’s no real measure of comparison.
I don’t really miss my old home. Things are easier here. I am home sooner than not. I have so many more things readily at my disposal. I do miss waking to the trees. My old bedroom was actually a porch so it was mostly windows. Every morning I was surrounded by the trees swaying to and fro…the sounds of nature. Here in the cul-de-sac it is just quiet.
This afternoon after my meeting, I snuck off to a movie, Igby Goes Down. I am enamored of movies…a dark theater, the visual overload, the anonymity of it all seems to fulfill me. This movie, I believe would draw similar comparisons to Catcher in the Rye and a lead character like Holden Caulfield. What did I see?…disenfranchised but privileged youth, love and hate for the fragmented and dysfunctional family unit, drugs and subtle sexuality.
One thing that seemed a common theme was Igby’s lack of future. What did he believe was his path? Where was he headed? That he was avoiding the culture he felt was dictated to him by society. It brings me to the questions I asked myself all the time. Who am I? Am I living the life I really want? Do I even know what that would be? I am sure it is a questions that many people ask themselves. The ‘why am I here syndrome’. But I wonder, would I be asking if I was doing it?
Most of the time I am so in the present I can only think far enough ahead to make sure I can do what I want today. Who cares right, tonight I’ll go out listen to some music and just exist for the now.