I was just standing there looking.
You stood and waved.
I took a deep breath to calm myself and to steady the nervous shake that racked my body. I shook my hands out loosening the final quiver. I was happy to see you and scared all at the same time without any explaination for any of it.
I could tell you were nervous but I defined it in the way most people are nervous meeting new people. I had defined that the same for myself as I walked to your table. It may have been just that but now it seems so much more.
And that’s my first memory of you in full detail.
Today, it finally looked like winter as a soft blanket of clouds languished high above the rest with air clean and crisp. It’s close and yet it will come and go like love.
I was driving in East Texas today. It was like driving through an Adam Carroll CD….at the bar in Grand Saline, past the Silver Lake side next to man from Kilgore. I am wondering if Wal-Mart truck drivers are the only truck drivers to really see the country side driving through all the towns outside of bigger towns, outside of even bigger towns still.
As a treat, I stopped at one of the Texas Stop Signs, got a dipped cone ’cause I have been craving them for a month. “Long Live the Queen”.
Ori will be here tonight. Today I miss Ori’s hands.
There’s so much going on. It is all the same thing and I love it for all it’s beauty, uniqueness and sheer size.
I was telling Ori how everything I think and say these days is about love and us. I was thinking to write about it but the same words echo over and over, I’m in love. I’m in love.
So, I’ve been thinking alot about unconditional love, the love of a lifetime, fate, pre-destiny and all that metaphysical vs the science of man sort of stuff. Mostly ’cause I wonder where it all comes from. Why I love this person and not that one. What thing I can attribute to this unexpected yet remarkable gift…should I be thanking myself for a past life decision, thanking a god for a lovely discovery or maybe only crediting the right combination of chemicals and smells for getting to feel this way.
It might be nice to settle on one in the same way that it’s good to know why other things went wrong. So you won’t make the same mistakes. If you know the good reasons too, maybe it will help to maintain the beauty and the good and finally be a thing that outlasts any hard times.
I’ve never said ‘this is the love of my life’ and have always believed in each relationship as separate and different from any other. I still believe that but I know a few things now that I ‘ve never known before and I know that now I can say certain things I have never been able to say to another before. Maybe mine isn’t to ask why but I sure am thankful. My wish is that everyone we love is thankful that we have found this great thing in each other. Love is wonderful, being loved in return is to be cherished. I know I promise to show how grateful I am as long as I’m allowed.
I finally went to the grocery store. It’s about time though I doubt I would have if Bailey hadn’t needed food…
Would you like to use your reward card today ma’am?
No, thank you, I don’t have one.
So, the check out girl hands me the receipt saying thank you Ms …. You realize you would have saved $13 and some change with a reward card today. I think to myself, well, if I could have then why didn’t I? What kind of message does that send and oh, by the way, personal information isn’t so personal anymore. Why should I have to have yet another card clutter my overstuffed wallet that I had to give out all my personal information to get so that you can turn around and sell it to someone else. If I want to sell my own information then I should be able to and reap the rewards myself. Maybe I can find some crazy lawyer willing to try a class action suit of copyright infringement or identity theft. I mean if Catherine Deneuve can keep her name off a magazine then Joe Schmo citizen ought to be able to keep his or her name and personal information to themselves. You profit from my name then I should see at least some of the profits without being pushed into the extortion of only getting the benefit by going to your store.
But these are not decision of check-out girls. She didn’t really need my diatribe. I just smiled and laughed and said thanks and pushed my own cart out the door and loaded my own groceries into the car and oh, by the way, service isn’t so service anymore.
I was busy, focused on the tasks of a regular work day.
I went to another chick happy hour after a long and interesting dinner with friends and a friend of a friend. We were regaled with the ins and outs of corporate America and I saw her and thought that’s who I might have become. Thankfully I am not as I was saved by another career from the corporate ulcers and arrogance. But thank you Mr. Gates for your generous donations to our not-for-profits. 🙂
The happy hour was a bust and I left, somewhat mad, after only 20 minutes. Though later I felt some remorse. Maybe my friends can be careless but they love me and all the things I love. I will let go of their carelessness as I am sure they forgive me mine.
Susan’s show at Dan’s Silverleaf was good. When she sings, I am happy and energized and easy again. Though, it made me miss Ori more than ever. I just wanted to dance – be held close close and share the happiness and peacefulness of the moment. I have the same feeling now each time I do the things I love the most.
I like the way you talk to me. I like the way we talk to each other. I can’t wait until I get to wake up to it everyday.
I like being in love with you.